Love's Illusion
by Invisibabe
Summary: Seamus is in love, and not with his girlfriend. He struggles with a hopeless desire while his friends tease him and try to guess the identity of his secret love.


_This story was written years ago - certainly before Deathly Hallows and possibly before Half Blood Prince. It's been languishing on my hard drive ever since (along with half a dozen part-finished works) because when the later novels came out it no longer fitted into the canon story line. But I recently re-read it, and was quite pleased with it as a stand-alone story. So I thought I'd share it anyway!_

 **Love's Illusion**

The usual babble of conversation filled the great hall one November evening. The Gryffindor table was particularly lively following their team's Quidditch victory over Ravenclaw earlier in the day. Ron was loudly praising Harry's death-defying plummet, the result of which had been the two Ravenclaw Beaters colliding in mid-air and the opposing seeker falling off his broom. He demonstrated the manoeuvre repeatedly with a bread roll, drawing collective cheers from his audience. Seamus watched all this with quiet amusement, poking at his dinner unenthusiastically.

'What's wrong, Babe?' asked Lavender. 'Aren't you hungry?'

'Nothing's wrong,' he replied hastily. Then he sighed and smiled at her fondly. 'I'm just not keen on Irish Stew.'

Harry laughed at him. 'How can you not like Irish Stew? You're Irish!' he spluttered with a mouth full of potato.

Seamus shrugged and laughed. 'Well that's probably why,' he said. 'Mam used to force it down us nearly every mealtime. You get a bit sick of it after a while.'

Lavender seemed satisfied. She made a small kissing gesture in his direction, then turned to talk to Parvati. Seamus reached for the water pitcher, yawning widely as he poured himself a glass. His lack of sleep over the past few weeks was starting to take its toll.

'Been sleepwalking again, Mate?' said Dean. 'It's not good for you, you know. Every time I look your way you're yawning.'

'Yeah,' added Ron, pausing in the act of making two saltcellars collide in the manner of Ravenclaw Beaters. 'And didn't you fall asleep in History of Magic last week?'

Seamus glanced at Lavender nervously, but she and Parvati were too deep in feminine gossip to pay attention.

'Everyone falls asleep in History of Magic,' he dismissed. 'And I don't sleepwalk.'

'Yes, you do,' argued Dean. 'I woke up last night and you weren't in your bed. I heard you come back, too. Just before dawn, I think it was.'

'Oh, that,' muttered Seamus, panicking slightly. _I thought nobody had noticed!_ He glanced guiltily at Lavender, who had clearly overheard Dean's statement and was now listening curiously. _Damage control…quickly!_

'I was just thirsty. I went to get a drink.'

'For three hours?' laughed Dean incredulously. 'How thirsty were you?'

Seamus tried to laugh along with everyone else but his heart wasn't in it. The last thing he needed was the whole of Gryffindor finding out about his nocturnal habits. He'd been so careful! And surely what he was doing wasn't so terribly wrong…technically…was it? He caught sight of Lavender, smiling benignly at a joke someone had made about his bladder. She caught his eye and he felt his heart sink. _Who am I kidding? Of course it's wrong. She trusts me and I…_

His thoughts were interrupted by another revelation.

'It's not the first time, either,' Ron added with a wicked grin. 'I've seen your bed empty at night loads of times. Why didn't you tell us you sleepwalk? It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not like we'd make fun of you or anything. Right?' He addressed his remark to the other boys. They all shook their heads seriously, murmuring things like 'of course not' and 'the very idea'. Then they all collapsed into fits of laughter again, but Ron hadn't finished. 'Oh, but you don't sleepwalk, do you? You go for very big drinks of water. Pull the other one! Either you sleepwalk, or you've found a way to get into the girls' dorm. Wait! Is that it? You've been bunking up with Lavender?'

Seamus felt his stomach churn. He raised his eyes to Lavender's amidst the ribald cheering and suggestive remarks. She wasn't even pretending to smile any more. Her face was a picture of hurt bewilderment.

He couldn't think of a response. All he could think was _Why the hell didn't I close the curtains round my bed? Then they'd never have known I wasn't there. Why?_

The laughter died down abruptly. Heads turned to look from Seamus to Lavender. She continued to stare at him, wide-eyed and speechless. A thick silence sank over their end of the table. Gradually, eyes were lowered awkwardly and everyone seemed to become very interested in their food. Seamus swallowed. His mouth was suddenly very dry. He saw Parvati lay a comforting hand on Lavender's arm, then glare at him in shocked accusation.

 _It's not like that. It's not what you think…_

 _Or maybe it is. I don't know. I'm sorry._

He pleaded silently, but the damage was done. Lavender seemed to shake herself awake. She folded her napkin neatly and placed it next to her plate. She slowly and deliberately lined up her cutlery neatly, then smiled with her mouth but not her eyes.

'I've got some work to do before bed,' she said quietly. 'I'll see you all later.' She stood up and stepped away from the table. Parvati moved as though to go with her, but Lavender stopped her. 'No, it's okay. I have to…I just want to…' Her words disappeared in a strangled sob. She gave one last pained look at Seamus, then walked quickly from the hall. All eyes fell on Seamus.

 _No. This can't be happening. This wasn't meant to happen…they can't find out!_

Ron looked as if he was trying to think of something to say. Seamus leapt to his feet before anyone had time to speak. He virtually sprinted from the hall, ignoring the hushed whispers and curious glances that followed him. He found Lavender on the lakeshore, shivering in only her casual robes. She turned when she heard his tentative footsteps, and he felt a pang of guilt to see tears glistening on her face in the moonlight. He opened his mouth to speak but his words dissolved unspoken, hopelessly inadequate as they were.

'How could you?' whispered Lavender.

He found his voice, but it felt strange and weak when he used it. 'It's not what you think.'

Her face contorted with pain and fury. 'Not what I think? I've just found out that my boyfriend has been sneaking off in the middle of the night to God knows where…with no explanation…if it isn't what I think then why couldn't you say so at dinner?'

His guilty silence spoke volumes.

'Why couldn't you just tell me the truth?' she pleaded. Her voice sounded squeaky and unsteady. 'If you've found someone else I would have understood. I wouldn't have liked it, but it would have been better than finding out in there, in front of everyone. You could have just ended it quietly and left me with some dignity. Have you any idea how humili…humiliat…' She struggled to suppress her sobs, and turned away from him. She brushed her long brown hair out of her face in agitation.

'I didn't want to end it…and I never meant to hurt you.'

'Oh, so you were just going to carry on…' she gesticulated wildly, struggling for words, '… _carrying on_ behind my back, so you wouldn't have to face me about it? You're a coward, Seamus. How did you ever get into Gryffindor?'

Her words stung. The truth was painful. How could he explain?

'Lavender…please. It really isn't like that…I…'

She spun to face him. 'Oh? So you haven't been cheating on me?'

'No! I mean…nothing happened.'

'Ron said this has been going on for ages. Do you expect me to believe that you've been going off to see this…this…person…for weeks and nothing has ever happened? Do you just stand there and look at each other or something? Who is she anyway? No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.' A thought struck her, and she fixed him with a horrified look. 'Has this been going on since before we got together?'

'Uh…um…'

She gaped in disbelief. 'Just what was I to you, Seamus?'

 _You were my only hope._ 'Please…I promise…I swear nothing happened. Nothing ever will happen…and I don't want to lose you.'

'Oh. I see. You want someone you can't have, so you'll settle for me instead, is that it?'

'No…' he wailed. _Yes, actually_ , argued his subconscious.

Lavender took a deep breath. She seemed calmer, but her stony expression didn't show any signs of softening. 'Just tell me one thing, Seamus, and tell me the truth,' she instructed quietly. 'Do you, or do you not have feelings for someone else?'

 _The truth…the truth…tell her the truth. The truth is…_ 'Yes.'

She nodded silently. 'I won't be anyone's second choice, Seamus.' She turned on her heel and strode purposefully back towards the castle. Seamus stared after her in dismay. He thought about going after her, dragging her back, forcing her to listen as he poured out his heart…

 _It wouldn't help. It would make things worse. She'd never understand – she'd think I'm pathetic. I am pathetic._ He trudged slowly up the slope to the main entrance, and hovered uncertainly in the doorway. He could just pull himself together and go back to dinner. He'd have to face a lot of curious stares and probably some very awkward questions, but he didn't have to answer them. It was nobody else's business. He sighed. The cheerful chatter drifting from the Great Hall did nothing to tempt him out of his self-pity. That was not where he wanted to be. In truth, there was only one place he wanted to be. He thought wistfully of soft blond hair, glowing in the moonlight…of pale skin, tinged pink with happiness to see him…of shining eyes gazing back at him with earnest longing…

There would be no interrogations, no disapproval and no judgement. There would be no need for questions and explanations there, with the one person who understood him… the one person who could see into his soul. A dry sob escaped him. _It won't solve anything. I have to stop this. I wouldn't be in this mess if I hadn't let it get this far._ Abruptly he turned away from the Great Hall and headed for the stairs. The dorm would still be empty for a while; he would make the most of the solitude.

The peace and quiet didn't last long before the other boys burst in. Normally they would have stayed in the common room for a while after dinner, playing games or reading until it was time for bed, but not tonight. Apparently they were far too eager to question Seamus. Ron stepped towards him with a guilty look.

'Mate, I'm sorry for dropping you in it. I didn't know. What the hell have you been doing?'

'Hold it, Ron,' said Harry. He looked concerned as he surveyed the scene. 'I think it's serious.'

Seamus realised he must look a sorry state. His eyes still felt damp, and there were two soggy, scrunched-up tissues on the floor near his feet. His voice felt thick when he spoke. 'No, I'm alright. But Lavender's…gone.'

Ron swore quietly, then sat next to him on the bed.

'Sorry,' he said helplessly.

Seamus shook his head. 'Not your fault,' he replied.

Dean dragged a chair across the room and sat down facing his friend. 'Why didn't you tell us? Maybe we could have helped?'

'I couldn't tell anyone,' said Seamus. 'Anyway, technically there's nothing to tell. Nothing happened. Nothing was ever going to happen, but I can't help how I feel.'

Harry frowned. 'So…you didn't actually cheat on Lavender? You just like someone else?'

Seamus sighed. 'Something like that. Lavender said she didn't want to be second choice.'

'But this particular someone else doesn't like you. Is that it?'

Seamus gave a hollow laugh. If only that were the case. Maybe then I wouldn't have kept going back, feeding a fantasy. Building up an impossible dream. 'No. That's not it. It's very much mutual.' The other boys looked at each other in puzzlement.

'So what's the problem?' asked Harry. 'I mean, maybe you didn't go about it the best way, but now you're free to do whatever you want. Lavender will get over it, and you shouldn't pass up the chance to be with someone you really like.'

Seamus could feel a lump rising in his throat. He struggled to reply. 'No. You don't get it. It's never going to happen. It's impossible.'

Ron's eyes narrowed. 'Oh, hell. She's not a Slytherin is she?'

Harry glared at Ron. 'That doesn't have to be a problem,' he admonished. 'We're all going to be leaving Hogwarts in a few months anyway. House loyalty doesn't mean much in the real world, so if it is a Slytherin…' He paused when he saw Seamus shaking his head. 'Not a Slytherin, then.'

Seamus wished they'd leave him in peace, but it seemed they were determined to get to the bottom of it. _Let them try_ , he thought bitterly. _They'll never guess in a million years._

'Is it her family?' suggested Dean. 'Do they have a problem with half-bloods or something?'

Seamus shook his head.

Ron was pacing back and forth thoughtfully. Realisation dawned and his face brightened. 'I think I've got it,' he said tentatively.

Seamus looked up in dread. _No…surely not…_

'I have! I've got it…and to be perfectly honest, mate, I don't blame you one bit.'

The other boys stared at him expectantly.

'It's a teacher! It's that Professor Appleby. There's not a boy in the school who wouldn't…' He paused, giving Seamus a look of awed respect. 'Blimey, Seamus! No wonder you couldn't tell anyone…'

Seamus gaped at him. It was true that the current Defence against the Dark Arts teacher was an object of desire for many teenage boys, but Ron was a million miles off the mark. He toyed with the idea of saying yes, that Ron was right, and his infatuation with an out-of-bounds teacher was the reason for his nocturnal wanderings and his break-up with Lavender. It would be so easy…

'Don't be stupid, Ron,' said Dean. 'Like Harry said, we're all leaving in a few months. No doubt she will too – she is a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher after all. So if it was her, there'd be no problem. At least, not after June.'

 _Damn._

Ron sagged. He seemed to be running out of ideas. 'Please tell us, Seamus,' he tried. 'Whoever it is, we'll understand. We might even be able to do something. I feel bad for what I said earlier. I know this mess is partly my fault, and I just want to help.'

Seamus sighed. 'Thanks for the offer, but there's nothing you can do.' _It's true. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm the only one who can do something about it._ 'I just need to pull myself together.'

There was silence. The boys looked at each other helplessly. Seamus looked around at their concerned faces and managed a grateful smile.

'Thanks for trying, but I'll be alright. I just need to be on my own for a while, to think about things.'

Harry nodded and took hold of Ron's arm. 'Come on, let's go downstairs and play chess for a bit. We'll see you later, Seamus.'

He turned and headed for the door, with Ron and Dean in tow. Neville, who had been silent throughout the conversation, tagged behind. He paused at the door and looked back at Seamus thoughtfully.

'I'll be down in just a minute, Harry,' he said quietly, then made his way back to Seamus' bed. 'Umm…I think I understand,' he murmured, looking at his feet.

Seamus rubbed his eyes wearily. 'I doubt it,' he replied.

'I just…I didn't say anything in front of everybody in case I was right, but I thought of something that they didn't.'

'Oh?' said Seamus weakly. _Could it be that Neville, of all people, has worked it out?_

Dread filled the pit of his stomach. If his secret were found out, he would never live it down. Nobody would ever understand. Surely nothing like this had happened to any of them? It was weird. It was…embarrassing. At best, he'd be laughed at. Certainly nobody would take his problem seriously. At worst, he'd be pitied.

But at the same time, staring into Neville's round, earnest face, he felt a twinge of hope. Odd as it may seem, perhaps Neville wouldn't judge. Considering that Seamus had shared a dorm with him for nearly seven years, he realised that he didn't know him all that well. He had often had the feeling that there were things Neville didn't want people to know about. He often became nervous and quiet when the boys were sharing personal information. If he had worked it out, maybe this was the one person who could be trusted to respect the secret…

'What did you think of?'

Neville shuffled his feet and cleared his throat.

'Well, I uh…I just noticed that you never specifically said that this other person was…umm…a girl.'

'What?' Seamus said dumbly.

'It's okay, I won't tell anyone. But if it is, you know…a boy, then I'd understand. And maybe it's not as bad as you think. I'm sure nobody would think less of you. Nobody that matters, anyway…'

Seamus blinked. He felt the urge to laugh, but he stifled it when he saw how nervous Neville was. He was blushing furiously and fidgeting with his cuff button.

'Thanks,' he said, carefully keeping a straight face and a serious tone. 'But it isn't a boy.'

Neville's eyes opened wide. 'Oh. Uh…sorry. I thought…ummm.'

'It's okay, Neville. I suppose I can see why you would think that. But no, I don't have feelings for another boy.'

Neville took a step away and gulped. 'Uh. Right. Sorry. I'll uh…I'll just go.'

He turned and hurried towards the door, then stopped and turned again.

'I just wanted to help,' he said, his voice shaking. 'You won't…you…'

'Don't worry. I won't tell anyone…and you have helped,' replied Seamus.

Neville smiled with relief, then left.

 _Well, who'd have thought it? Poor Neville._

Seamus was amazed to discover that Neville had helped. It seemed he wasn't the only one with a secret problem. In fact, his own secret seemed almost trivial compared to Neville's. He realised for the first time that he had a choice. He had never really considered that a possibility before, because it didn't feel like he had a choice. You can't choose how to feel about someone, after all.

 _But I can choose how I behave. I can choose to end this now. It's either that, or I wait until the end of term. It'll have to end then anyway, and it'll be even harder._

He stood up and straightened his robes, then hastily brushed his hair. Neville didn't have a choice. He was going to have to deal with his secret sooner or later…and he would be dealing with it for the rest of his life. It wasn't something he could decide to end, and then put it behind him.

Seamus took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy. In fact, it was going to hurt like hell, but he had found new determination. Madam Pomfrey had a saying that returned to him now with new meaning: It has to hurt if it's to heal.

He put on his cloak and strode briskly out of the dorm and down the stairs. Nobody spoke to him as he walked through the common room, and he was glad of it. He didn't want anything to distract him now, when he'd made up his mind. He climbed out through the portrait hole and headed for the stairs. He made his way to the seventh floor, and hurried along the corridor until he reached a narrow archway. With a furtive glance back along the corridor, he slipped through it and up a narrow flight of stairs until he came to a familiar, shabby-looking wooden door. He paused to gather his nerves, then opened it and stepped into one of the castle's vast attics.

It was almost a year to the day that he had first wandered up those stairs. He'd been looking for somewhere to hide from Filch after accidentally spilling Shrinking Solution on Mrs Norris, and had found his way into the cavernous roof space. Just as it had been a year ago, it was filled with assorted junk and dusty silence. He made his way through the maze of battered desks and broken chairs.

 _Will she even be here? She wouldn't be expecting to meet me this early, after all…_

He climbed over a pile of rolled-up rugs, heading for a dimly lit corner that he knew very well. Moonlight streamed in through a small skylight, and by its subtle glow…he saw her. His heart skipped. It always did, when he caught sight of her. She hadn't noticed him…she was turned away from him, looking out of a window. He paused, watching her silently and taking in every perfect detail.

 _How can I do this? How can I never see her again?_

His breath hitched in his throat, and she must have heard him because she turned, her face filled with hope…and then joy.

'Seamus! You're early!'

She took a step towards him, then faltered. Her expression changed to concern…and perhaps a little fear. She gulped visibly.

'What's wrong?' she asked quietly.

Seamus felt his heart swell. This was one of the things he loved about her…one of the many. Every feeling, and every thought in her head always showed plainly on her face. Every other girl he'd ever met was a complete mystery to him…he hadn't thought he'd ever understand how girls' minds worked. But then he met her, and they connected so easily, and she always knew exactly how he was feeling, too.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't give this up. He would never find anyone like her again.

He sighed, then smiled. 'Nothing. It's alright. I just wanted to see you.'

She beamed at him, and he was filled with that familiar, aching warmth, tinged with despair. She would never turn him away; she would always be there for him. He could love her until his last breath, if he chose to. But with that choice he would have to accept that there would be no more than this… smiles and sighs, heartfelt declarations and long hours away from the world, just being together. True, it was a lot more than many could claim, but would it be enough?

He gazed at her longingly, his arms aching to wrap around her, his fingers itching to stroke the soft silk of her hair…to feel that warm and delicate skin shiver beneath his touch. Once again, she seemed to read his mind. She stepped towards him and held out her hand. Helpless, Seamus moved towards her. He could no more stand still when she beckoned than a needle could resist the pull of a magnet. He was close enough to see the tiny points of light reflected in her eyes. Automatically, he reached out to her. He couldn't help anticipating the warm softness of her hand, closing around his. His eyes began to sting.

Their hands met palm to palm, and a tear escaped and trickled slowly down his face.

As always, there was no warmth beneath his fingers…just the cool, rough surface of painted canvas.


End file.
